First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for their positive thoughts, prayers and uplifting words of encouragement! Don’t stop anytime soon, okay?
Well, my surgery came off without a hitch! It was just a quick 7 hours after the nurse said “Lay back and relax,” I opened my eyes, and was in my hospital room looking at the person in the chair across the room, thinking “Who the heck IS that?!!”
As Garth Brooks says “January's always bitter, but Lord this one beats all”. As if my upcoming surgery on the 22nd was not enough to have to contend with in January, my sweet sweet husband was also in the process of losing his mother, eventually saying goodbye to her on the 19th. The family didn't get to have much of a choice as to the day of the funeral due to other scheduling conflicts, and as luck(?) would have it - the funeral was scheduled for the 22nd, the same day as my surgery. My husband, wouldn't hear of me changing my surgery - for one thing, we had had to wait for the surgery date to roll around for quite awhile(or at least it SEEMED like it), and the tension was getting pretty palpable. But this situation put my poor husband in a bit of a predicament – he would have to leave the hospital in the middle of my surgery to be at his mother's funeral. I tried to tell him not to worry about me – I was just gonna be laying there like a big lump of Michelle, outta my head with good drugs – I told him I would be JUST FINE while he was gone. He still worried. I will never forget the tears in his eyes as we said goodbye that morning at the operating room doors– I held my tears until I got INTO the room - and then I just burst. The nurses were so kind – I am sure they thought I was grieving for MY loss, little did they know that I wouldn’t do that until months later!(and that saga continues). I will have to say I remember NOTHING after one of the nurses hugged me – they must have been thinking “Put her OUT, put her OUT!!” : )
Several hours later, I opened my eyes to see - um - my landord (?!) sitting in a chair, smiling at me. Her son, who works with my husband, told her about us – and that is all it took. I have been glad to know her. She truly tries to live as a follower of Christ. I can’t say I know anyone like her, (which is a shame since I know a big old bunch of people that claim to be followers as well - we are SO missing the mark guys : ) But, at any rate, I was NOT alone when I woke up that day. She sat quietly and told me to rest, and then left when my husband was able to return. So – we made it thru the day – only a LITTLE worse for wear!
During the months since the surgery, every 1-2 weeks I would go to the doctor and they would “fill” the expanders to stretch my skin, about 60 cc’s each time (on our way to 650-700). The doctor was pretty cautious. He wanted to move slowly, especially with Miss Lefty – she’s a bit of a diva you know. She had radiation several years ago – and you know, radiation doesn’t actually IMPROVE your skin and tissue really. It sort of, oh I dunno, tears it UP!!! Only recently have some surgeons tried to reconstruct a radiated breast – some times (most?? times) the skin is just not strong enough to take the stretching or can’t hold the implant because of weakness and can actually die. But, my skin seemed to be doing well. I was scheduled to undergo some scar revision surgery in September, but that was still a few weeks away.
In August, I went to visit some friends in Tennessee, and visited a small recording studio while I was there. I had been wanting to record some songs for a friend (she likes 'standards' from the 1940's and on) - so I recorded several for her – I have attached three of them here. One of these days I am going to post them all on michellemartinmusic.com, but it is still under construction! I THINK you will have to download the.wma files to your computer and then play them.
I had a barrel of fun recording them – but keep in mind – this was a teeny studio and I’m no professional. So, I guess what I am saying is, listen at your own risk! : )
Soon after I came home from Tennessee, I had my scar revision surgery on the left side. The doctor cut out the scarred skin, rebuilt some stuff inside,lifted my expander and then closed it ALL up with a big pretty bow! : ) It was a big overhaul of the faux booby on that side!! Now, the right side – let me tell you - SHE is ready to go anytime, it is amazing – I mean – for the most part it looks like a breast – a weird smooth Barbie-kind of a breast – but still. The skin is beautiful (no radiation see) and when a soft implant is in, she will be juuuust Right! get it - hee hee
About two weeks ago, I noticed a spot on “Lefty”, I knew almost instantly what was up. I tried to keep the hysteria at a minimum – but of course, all night, I thought about that spot. When I got to my regularly scheduled appointment that next day with my surgeon – he looked at it, clicked his tongue several times, shook his head, muttered under his breath about the radiated skin. WHO is he talking to?? Not me for sure! : ) At any rate, when he got into the “wound” {great} he said he did see evidence of necrotic tissue, the skin is dying. He cut the bad tissue out, and stitched it, and asked me to come back in a week. Well, long story longer (and kind of crappier) – I came back in a week, and when the stitches were taken out, the skin seemed fine there – but a new place had started. Again, with the clucking and the shaking of the head. He sat in his chair in silence for awhile – I mean, a looooong while, thinking about what to do. He explained (he apparently thinks I am NEW here) that the skin is just too damaged to hold the implant, and I need to start getting used to the idea of possibly NOT having an implant – just being flat on that side. Cue: Hysteria. By the way, if you were one of the people that were lucky enough to receive a call from me or a message from me - thank you all for being wonderful and patient with my breakdowns. Okay – so, this is what we may have to deal with, and to be honest, I am still working this all out in my mind. For some reason, I thought a kind of ugly, strangely colored breast was better than none. Does the phrase “Mastectomy Lingerie” MEAN anything to you? It’s as sad as is it scarce. How do I convince myself that I am still a “sexy” “young” (pffft) “woman” with this flat place staring me in the....chest??
Not all is lost though. : ) I have an appointment to meet my surgeon at the “wound center” (catchy name!) and he is going to try to do that voodoo that he...does, and try to save that skin. I SWEAR it looks like it is healing by itself, my skin hasn't let me down yet (the audacity of hope). : ) I'll let you know more - 11 months from now!!
"Lord please shine a light of hope
On those of us who fall behind
And when we stumble in the snow
Could you help us up while there's still time..."
THE ONES THE WOLVES PULL DOWN
Garth Brooks
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
DON'T scare me like that!
This week began and ended with doctor's appointments! On Monday, Tony and I went to see the plastic surgeon. He answered some questions for me, and he went over what to expect during the surgery. He also measured me for the 'expanders'! they will put in to help stretch my skin for implants. Oh my gosh, I cannot tell you how relieved I was to see them! They looked almost identical to what the implants look like! HECK - in my mind the EXPANDERS were maybe HUGE or I dunno - covered in barb wire, who knows!!? : ) Dumb.
So - there we all sat in the doctors office - the little assistant girl, the doctor, Tony and me (my upper half pretty much just OUT there). Nice. All of us sitting there chatting as if this is how normal people talk!! : ) Sure, sure, normal half naked people maybe! I really like the assistant - although I believe she might be a little evil in real life (mainly because she takes "before" pictures of you before you even have time to refuse)! Nooooo, not really - she is actually just sweet as a bug - and cute as a bug! She's a bug alright? pfffft.
On Friday, while I was in seeing our family doctor, a voicemail was left on my cell from one of my surgeons' office. The normally perky voice on the message - this time - not so much. So, I called her back as fast as my fingers could dial, and she said that my doctor would be...um...'out of the country' after this weekend and would be unable to perform the surgery. Um - Whaaaaaa??? But - I knew immediately that my surgeon was headed for Haiti to help - dang Haiti, dang altruism. I told her I understood - but that I wanted to get this thing done and over. She said she knew that I would say that, so she was already looking for another surgeon, and she would let me know what she found out. Within - I bet it was not 15 mintues - she called back and said that one of the partners she had spoken with, would be "honored" to do the surgery. Welt, that's a sweet way to say that. She says he is amazing. I know some people wouldn't even THINK of switching surgeons at this late of a date - but they sure are telling me that we are 'blessed' (which btw - I AM from the moment I open my eyes in the morning!) : ) to have this surgeon!! You know what I am mainly scared of right now? Having to tell the office of thoughtful people I work with, that I would like to reschedule the 'Going Away' party one more time for another dr's appointment!! Oh my goodness -they are gonna smack me. But - she said the only time he could see me is on Tuesday morning at 11:30 - and he reeeeally wants to meet me before the surgery! (outstretched hand) "Hi, I'm Michelle, these are my breasts."
So the day approaches. Tuesday, I will meet with the surgeon. Thursday, the final mark-out, and then the big show on Friday (of which I will be the main attraction, and hopefully will be chock full of good anesthesia and won't even know is going on!!). Not too nervous yet. The phone call got my heart racing - but that's good for me!
Two funny things I want to remember - -
- Heard my husband told his friend that we couldn't get together on Saturday because it was his "last weekend with the girls". Funny!! and sort of sad.
- This poem from Dr. Suess...
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
...or was it Dre?
So - there we all sat in the doctors office - the little assistant girl, the doctor, Tony and me (my upper half pretty much just OUT there). Nice. All of us sitting there chatting as if this is how normal people talk!! : ) Sure, sure, normal half naked people maybe! I really like the assistant - although I believe she might be a little evil in real life (mainly because she takes "before" pictures of you before you even have time to refuse)! Nooooo, not really - she is actually just sweet as a bug - and cute as a bug! She's a bug alright? pfffft.
On Friday, while I was in seeing our family doctor, a voicemail was left on my cell from one of my surgeons' office. The normally perky voice on the message - this time - not so much. So, I called her back as fast as my fingers could dial, and she said that my doctor would be...um...'out of the country' after this weekend and would be unable to perform the surgery. Um - Whaaaaaa??? But - I knew immediately that my surgeon was headed for Haiti to help - dang Haiti, dang altruism. I told her I understood - but that I wanted to get this thing done and over. She said she knew that I would say that, so she was already looking for another surgeon, and she would let me know what she found out. Within - I bet it was not 15 mintues - she called back and said that one of the partners she had spoken with, would be "honored" to do the surgery. Welt, that's a sweet way to say that. She says he is amazing. I know some people wouldn't even THINK of switching surgeons at this late of a date - but they sure are telling me that we are 'blessed' (which btw - I AM from the moment I open my eyes in the morning!) : ) to have this surgeon!! You know what I am mainly scared of right now? Having to tell the office of thoughtful people I work with, that I would like to reschedule the 'Going Away' party one more time for another dr's appointment!! Oh my goodness -they are gonna smack me. But - she said the only time he could see me is on Tuesday morning at 11:30 - and he reeeeally wants to meet me before the surgery! (outstretched hand) "Hi, I'm Michelle, these are my breasts."
So the day approaches. Tuesday, I will meet with the surgeon. Thursday, the final mark-out, and then the big show on Friday (of which I will be the main attraction, and hopefully will be chock full of good anesthesia and won't even know is going on!!). Not too nervous yet. The phone call got my heart racing - but that's good for me!
Two funny things I want to remember - -
- Heard my husband told his friend that we couldn't get together on Saturday because it was his "last weekend with the girls". Funny!! and sort of sad.
- This poem from Dr. Suess...
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
...or was it Dre?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Welcome to my nightmare....I mean Blog! : )
Welcome to ANY one reading this blog ('course, I will feel funny if no one ever stops by to read this, huh?) : )
Well, at any rate - ever since I got the news about my second cancer - I started thinking about starting a blog - mainly I wanted my friends to be able to check in on me from time to time, whenever they wanted - and we could still feel connected. I am hoping that this will also prove to be somewhat therapeutic for me - although right now the only therapy I feel like I need is anger management!! (Did I mention I am kind of cranky right now?)
As I am writing along, I will try not to be too graphic - but - don't always count on it. I am going to try to tell you honestly what is happening to me- the good, the bad AND the ugly (sounds like me in the morning!). But now listen, there will be boob talk - so if you are offended by boobs or the talk of boobs - this may not be the place for you. Let's all say it together - BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS! There see - did the word lose all meaning for you? Nope. I know, me neither.
I guess I should start at the beginning (I promise, all my updates won't be this long - but I feel like we should have some back story). OK
In July of 2006 I found a lump in my left breast - well you know very good - n - well, it was cancer! Invasive Ductal Carcinoma - Stage II - III, Triple Negative (if you are a cancer geek - you think I rock right now!!) : ) So, I had a lumpectomy, the dreaded chemo (which was horrible, but not impossible), and radiation (the gift that keeps on giving - remind me to tell you why later).
So there I was, in my third year from the first instance - walking around thinking that I am pretty amazing and that in only two more years I will hit the big five years AC (after cancer), without a reoccurence and then I am all set!! The third year is a big year see - apparently thats the year you are at your highest chance for it to return (although, one of my surgeons, bless his heart, said this tumor would not be considered a re-occurence, but a NEW occurence, since it's in a new place. Coulda smacked him). And return it did. This time in the right breast, but exactly the same kind. The only thing I don't know if it is hormone positive this time - but I wouldn't think so, since all the other stats are exactly the same as the first lump.
Well, when Dr Lefranc, my favorite wonderful breast doctor (who knows, she might read this - I gotta suck up a little), called me to the office - I didn't think for a second it was to celebrate any good news - but as always she was amazing. I pretty much immediately told her the girls had to go!! She said that my thinking was completely appropriate, and makes all sorts of sense, as my body just "loves to make those cancers"! Nice - some peoples' bodies make them money. Mine? Cancers. Lovely.
So that's how we got to where we are now. January 22nd, I say my final goodbyes to the girls as I know them. Starting at 6am on that Friday, Dr Summer will come in and do the bi-lateral (meaning both will be involved) mastectomy, and immediately following, Dr Lai - (the plastic surgeon who I cannot understand to save my life) - will come in and put in the 'expanders' and the pain pump. Yay pain pump!
The implants come later - or at least I think that's what he said - who knows. But they stretch the skin, and add some skin, and stretch the skin and soon - they can put the implants in! Implants are still an iffy thing though, as the skin on my left breast has had radiation, and the tissue has broken down, along with the skin (although Dr Lai says I still have pretty good skin on that side - so that's cool - but we'll see). Implants are a ways down the road though, AND it seems like we are talking about step 14, and I am still working on getting thru step 2!
So there you have it. I go for lab work on January 11th (I am taking Tony Martin this time, since I can barely remember my name these days), on the 21st they "mark me out" which I think sounds kind of violent, and an unfortunate name for marking on my body where they need to cut - n - stuff, and then on the 22nd is the big show!!
Please please feel free to email me, or call, or text - or send frickin smoke signals - I don't care! I love you all, and will take every positive thought or prayer that you might have to give!
- M
Well, at any rate - ever since I got the news about my second cancer - I started thinking about starting a blog - mainly I wanted my friends to be able to check in on me from time to time, whenever they wanted - and we could still feel connected. I am hoping that this will also prove to be somewhat therapeutic for me - although right now the only therapy I feel like I need is anger management!! (Did I mention I am kind of cranky right now?)
As I am writing along, I will try not to be too graphic - but - don't always count on it. I am going to try to tell you honestly what is happening to me- the good, the bad AND the ugly (sounds like me in the morning!). But now listen, there will be boob talk - so if you are offended by boobs or the talk of boobs - this may not be the place for you. Let's all say it together - BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS! There see - did the word lose all meaning for you? Nope. I know, me neither.
I guess I should start at the beginning (I promise, all my updates won't be this long - but I feel like we should have some back story). OK
In July of 2006 I found a lump in my left breast - well you know very good - n - well, it was cancer! Invasive Ductal Carcinoma - Stage II - III, Triple Negative (if you are a cancer geek - you think I rock right now!!) : ) So, I had a lumpectomy, the dreaded chemo (which was horrible, but not impossible), and radiation (the gift that keeps on giving - remind me to tell you why later).
So there I was, in my third year from the first instance - walking around thinking that I am pretty amazing and that in only two more years I will hit the big five years AC (after cancer), without a reoccurence and then I am all set!! The third year is a big year see - apparently thats the year you are at your highest chance for it to return (although, one of my surgeons, bless his heart, said this tumor would not be considered a re-occurence, but a NEW occurence, since it's in a new place. Coulda smacked him). And return it did. This time in the right breast, but exactly the same kind. The only thing I don't know if it is hormone positive this time - but I wouldn't think so, since all the other stats are exactly the same as the first lump.
Well, when Dr Lefranc, my favorite wonderful breast doctor (who knows, she might read this - I gotta suck up a little), called me to the office - I didn't think for a second it was to celebrate any good news - but as always she was amazing. I pretty much immediately told her the girls had to go!! She said that my thinking was completely appropriate, and makes all sorts of sense, as my body just "loves to make those cancers"! Nice - some peoples' bodies make them money. Mine? Cancers. Lovely.
So that's how we got to where we are now. January 22nd, I say my final goodbyes to the girls as I know them. Starting at 6am on that Friday, Dr Summer will come in and do the bi-lateral (meaning both will be involved) mastectomy, and immediately following, Dr Lai - (the plastic surgeon who I cannot understand to save my life) - will come in and put in the 'expanders' and the pain pump. Yay pain pump!
The implants come later - or at least I think that's what he said - who knows. But they stretch the skin, and add some skin, and stretch the skin and soon - they can put the implants in! Implants are still an iffy thing though, as the skin on my left breast has had radiation, and the tissue has broken down, along with the skin (although Dr Lai says I still have pretty good skin on that side - so that's cool - but we'll see). Implants are a ways down the road though, AND it seems like we are talking about step 14, and I am still working on getting thru step 2!
So there you have it. I go for lab work on January 11th (I am taking Tony Martin this time, since I can barely remember my name these days), on the 21st they "mark me out" which I think sounds kind of violent, and an unfortunate name for marking on my body where they need to cut - n - stuff, and then on the 22nd is the big show!!
Please please feel free to email me, or call, or text - or send frickin smoke signals - I don't care! I love you all, and will take every positive thought or prayer that you might have to give!
- M
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